hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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