Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
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man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
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He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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