Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
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Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
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You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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