Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
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Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
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All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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