god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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