remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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