Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You ate ashes out of my bong
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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