I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
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She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
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Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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