Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
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Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
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If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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