She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
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did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
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Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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