i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
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I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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