youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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