My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
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I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
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How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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