i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
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No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
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I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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