Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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