So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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