thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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