We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
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Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
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LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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