The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
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I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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