I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
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In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
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CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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