Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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