he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
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i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
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Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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