another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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