I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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