The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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