quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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