Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I can't turn off my feet"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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