saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
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She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
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We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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