Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
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I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
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All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
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