You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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