im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
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I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
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You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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