i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize