so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
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