i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize