if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
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All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
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How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
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