i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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