I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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