god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
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What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
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Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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