Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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