ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
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so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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