Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
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I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
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Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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