Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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