You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize