Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
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