we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's shark week go big or go home
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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