Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
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if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
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I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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