textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
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