Your dad touched me again.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
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I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
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Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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