I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
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she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
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The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
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