Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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